74 days, 12 hours and 27 minutes. The beginning of this year until where I stand today. Today is one of the few days within that time where I have taken a deep breath and stepped back.

I went into this year struggling a lot. I am not about to detail the ways I overcame everything I was struggling with in 2.5 months. The truth is, I haven’t. It’s a post celebrating growth, and I hope you’ll join me.

Sometimes when we are so focused in on each day we miss everything that’s happening in our hearts. We miss the big picture. We miss what His love could surprise us with because we’re focused on what our minds have planned. But what I’ve realized is that He never hesitates to remove the things in my life that I don’t even realize are holding me back. 

I am still learning but one thing I do know is that every time I open my hands, what He places in them is far greater than what I’m holding onto. Sometimes He pries them open slowly – and other times it’s a little less subtle. I go back to my ideas so many times. I think that this time I have it figured out. That maybe this time I can outsmart Him. But every time He interrupts my plans with His love, I am reminded that He does know best. 

He is not trying to keep me from what I want – He is giving me what I need. And when I remember that He created me, I remember that He knows what He created me for. When I struggle with remembering what my purpose is or feel hopeless, it is often because I’m doing things my way instead of pursuing what He has for me.

The truth is? You’re not always going to end up where you pictured. In fact, most of the time you won’t. The people in your life might look different. Your job might look entirely different than what you imagined. Never discount something just because it is different than what you have planned. Instead, show up where you are right now with a willingness to give it your all.

Show up when you’d rather stay home. Take the internship that you don’t feel qualified for. Try a hobby that is outside of your comfort zone. Create a habit that will switch up your routine. Embrace what you never thought you’d do. Don’t limit your life because you’re so set in your ways or your own ideas of what your life should look like.

I am convinced that all of the greatest things in life are given to us when we are not expecting them, because that is when we can be truly thankful. When we are embracing what is in front of us and making the most of it. When our hands are open to receive and lifted to praise.

You are going to be surprised. You will be caught off guard. But He is just calling you back into your purpose. He is reminding you over and over again that every single experience is a way for Him to draw you closer to Himself.

I have messed up. I have spent plenty of time chasing what the world says will deliver for me. I’ve forgotten that people are made in His image. I’ve convinced myself that going around God will make me happier. I will never pretend like I have it all together or as though I have followed God the way I want to. I haven’t.

But if there is one thing I have learned is that what the world promises seems like it will fulfill. The world does a really good job of letting you think it has what you need and then letting you down. God always has a plan in the midst of it that you don’t see. He is always working for what He knows your heart needs.

Every time my hands are wrapped so tightly around what the world has to offer, they’re not open to receive what He has intended for me. He knows this. He wants my heart. He removes those distractions so that I can follow Him. But all I know is that if His plan catches me off guard, I’ll be ready to switch up my direction.

Yes, it might look completely different than all that I imagined.

But that is the best part.

To the girl who wants to move on:

There is a very big part of you that knows God’s plan holds something greater. But there is another part that wants to go back to the way things were. To the few-or many-times it was so good. It doesn’t make sense and you feel like there is such a void.

Please fill that void. Fill it with Him: the One who made you.

Fill it with Him first and then fill it with new experiences. Fill it with deep friendships and workouts and new hobbies.

It might seem confusing, but at the same time, you have to let yourself grieve what is gone. You have to miss what you are missing in your heart so deeply. Sometimes, it’s ok to sit home and cry, journal, and watch a movie by yourself with a pint of ice cream. In case no one has told you: it’s ok to be sad. Just don’t stay there forever.

Wake up early. Try something new. Start dreaming again. Breathe in His freedom and grace. Learn His strength in all of this: grow stronger in Him.

I know you are tired of the unsolicited opinions everyone is giving you about him or about all of it and what you should do. They’re trying to help but most of them aren’t quite sure how. You can remind them that you just need someone to listen right now. You’re allowed to do that. Throughout all of this you truly will find out which friends you want to stick around forever.

Look for the light and newness each day. Wake up to watch one sunrise: promise me at least just one. And while you do, write down every dream you have, even if they still include him. Write down everything you want to do with your life. Remind yourself that even in the midst of all your pain God knows those desires. He is holding something so much greater for you. But maybe that something He is holding demands a whole new version of you that can only emerge as your heart breaks and His light pours in.

Dwelling on the past will make you so bitter. One of my favorite verses has always been Isaiah 43:18. That page of my Bible is nearly illegible, filled with notes and arrows and highlights, because I wanted this verse pressed into the core of my being. It is still the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the words “move on.”

It comes from a passage where God is reminding the Israelites how powerful He is. How there is never a reason to not trust Him.

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. -Isaiah 43:18-19

I cannot explain how much hope stirs in me when I hear those verses. Hope for me & you. He is moving through our lives with so much power and beauty and grace.

Some of our greatest mistakes are for His greatest glories.

Some of our deepest pain is so that we can learn how to give Him the highest praise.

And in the midst of what feels like the greatest disappointment, He gives us more than we could ever deserve to hold onto:

He gives us Himself.

You might feel completely broken but healing is on its way. & the name of healing is Jesus. So place it all in His hands-even the disappointments. It can be hard to connect what we know to be true to how we feel sometimes. It is easy to sink into self pity. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love. That you are so beautiful. That if someone doesn’t understand or see your worth: that’s on them. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

Read it again: it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

Life is too short to sit in yesterdays and could haves and should have beens. So let Him pick your heart up, lift your head high, and start to believe what He says of you.

When you do, you’ll start to understand what you deserve, and if I had to guess, you deserve more than the boy who broke your heart.

The right heart won’t run.

To the girl who wants to move on: you can. You will. & your heart is seen today.

I have such a tendency to hold onto everything so tightly.

I find something or someone and I am fixated. I become too consumed with building my life around that one thing. I hold on so tight because I place my worth, purpose, and security in it. It can’t be taken from me because what would my life be without it? Where would I find my identity?

It is either that or the complete opposite. I run from situations, people, or things because I am afraid that I am not in control. I’m afraid something might not turn out the way I want. I’m afraid to be disappointed, or I’m afraid I’ll disappoint myself.

But at the heart of both those reactions I just want to shield myself from anything that might put me in a place of discomfort, pain, or uncertainty.

Lately my perspective is shifting.

I’ve found that without even noticing, my hands are more open than ever before.

You cannot have the promise if you are not willing to risk the pain.

I don’t know if it is simply because I have tried so hard so many times to control situations and have only been left feeling completely depleted and miles away from the person I was made to be. Or if I am finally awakening to the fact that ultimately holding my own life–or trying to–gets heavy. Trying to figure everything out wears you out.

I think I noticed that opened hands beat clenched fists when I realized that every time I think it will be the end of my world if I let go of something, I am always proven wrong.

Life always goes on, and often times I find more inspiration and strength in disappointments than I do when things go according to my plan.

When we grip something so tightly, we might have a feeling for a moment of strength, self-sufficiency, and the illusion that something is within our control. In reality our clenched fists are just preventing us from receiving something so much greater.

They are clenched tightly around something good, but if we open them we can receive something great.

But there’s a catch.

In order to receive something great-our hands have to be open.

It is easy to close off your heart and it is easy to hold on so tightly. That is where most people stay. But security is not synonymous with fullness and beauty and feeling and life–risk is.

The bravest thing you can do is uncurl your fingers and open your hands – free – without expectation.

It goes without saying that the bravest thing is often the hardest. No one wants to relinquish control. But when you realize you’ve never really had it in the first place, it’s much easier to remember that trying to hold on to what you think you need will only deprive you of what He knows actually need.

Open your hands – let your heart relax. Some things might fall away, but what He has meant for you never will.