we all just want to know we’re not the only ones who feel like professionals at being messy human beings.
XI.XVI.MMXVI. 2:25 pm.
Today in class I had to stand up and speak. I didn’t know it and it was unexpected. my hands were shaking, guys. They were shaking. I had no time to prepare for this. I felt like the whole world was watching me say my few words about two advertisements in front of 25 people. I felt like everyone could see my intense level of nervousness and fear and that the other person in my group who stood up there with me probably was like “what the heck” at my hands shaking as I held our little paper with observations. Plus my hair was probably messy and why in the world did I wear this sweater?
Ok, dramatic right?
But that’s just what fear does.
In reality-in the big picture of life-it’s a silly little irrational fear. To my mind, though, it feels enormously big and consuming. It’s a fear I’m slowly learning to dance with. A fear I’m slowly learning to push through because I don’t think fearlessness is the absence of fear, but the courage to live in spite of the fear. It exists though, and it’s the battle I’ve been given to fight right now. I think it’s a little strange and yet a little beautiful that we’re all given battles to fight. It’s almost as if God says, “I just want them to know how weak they really are without Me.”
I don’t think our battles are anything to be ashamed of and I think our enemy is pretty happy when we convince ourselves we’re the only one in the world facing this battle.
It takes a lot out of me-this worry that I’m too much and yet not enough. This overthinking of everything I do. There are days when I am just physically tired from it. Sometimes it keeps me from what I really want to do, and in my heart I know that it always keeps me from living my life to the fullest.
I’ve gotten a few messages lately from people who have told me they wish their faith was as big as mine–as bold and as brave. But honestly? Girl, I hope it’s not. I hope it’s so much deeper. I hope you don’t struggle with the crippling fear of merely living life that traps my words in my throat sometimes. I hope you don’t get anxious about meeting new people and I hope you have a faith so free that any concerns about what people think of you just fall away. I hope you don’t think everyone’s eyes are on you in a crowd. I hope your hands don’t shake when you stand up in front of them. I hope you embrace your introverted awkward self and don’t hate it. I hope you are free.
My heart knows that one day I’m gonna have victory over this, because I believe my God wins. There have been baby steps. He’s slowly showing me that there’s a better way. But for now it’s a fight. I wish somehow I could fear the God that made me instead of the people He made. I’m working on that. I’m pressing into grace. I believe that one day, I’ll be able to stand in front of a crowd without a trace of fear, and that in my mind God will become greater and people small. I really do believe that. But today, it’s not that way. I have been given a battle. And in the messiest and most imperfect way, I’m facing the fear, and I finding courage to do life anyway.
So know that no matter how someone appears to you-they have been given a battle too.
No matter how many friends she has? She has a battle. No matter how many followers she’s attracted? She has a battle. No matter her relationship status and no matter her social life? She has a battle. No matter what her page online says? She has a battle. And if we’re being honest–real and raw–we can own the battles we have been given and fight together.
ps. own your battle below in the comments! I want to hear your heart. & I want to fight it with you.