If I could change anything about you I don’t think I would.
This year, I met my insecurities. They walked up and introduced themselves to me. I learned their first names and then I quickly learned I didn’t want to keep company with them for long. I saw them for what they really are-liars. Frauds. Deceivers.
Once I met those insecurities the blindfold fell from my eyes. I could see, and what was even more beautiful? I could dance. I could run free. I could sing and my heart could swell. My heart could ache and my heart could rejoice. Yet in all of that, I could actually live, no longer held back by lies that had become my heart’s reality.
Because fear can really drag the life out of you if you let those insecurities convince you it’s worth your time of day.
The freedom came when I realized that it wasn’t worth my time of day.
It’s a lie and my soul learned the shattering reality of freedom.
2016, you taught me what I love to do.
When those insecurtities were no longer welcome here, a purpose came flooding in. Purpose was a welcomed guest. It still is. I embraced it, and it set my soul on fire. I’ve welcomed it in, and now I have a lifetime to get acquainted with it. There is room. So much room. Room for that purpose to fill up my heart’s home. And room to learn about that purpose for the rest of my life.
I learned what sets my heart on fire. That somehow by putting down my messy thoughts into words and sentences and paragraphs I can lay out what is on my heart. I learned that I may not love speaking my thoughts, but I crave the freedom of writing it.
I didn’t just meet my purpose this year. I met a few others. I met myself. My shell was cracked. I learned to loosen up. The girl who cared so very much about what people thought is still a little part of me, but nothing like the girl whose heart was lit with the sparklers of self-doubt at the beginning of 2016. I have learned confidence. Not in me-but in the fact that a perfect King makes no mistakes. That he declares my timid voice bold, my wavering faith strong, and my insufficient works enough.
You taught me that it’s ok to not be in the same place everyone else is. You taught me to give myself time to grow and realize that other people might have figured out who they are in this world in high school. I might be a bit late. But that’s ok. I learned to give myself time.
I learned that there’s a reason for where I am. There’s a divine piece of glory in this mundane daily grind. There’s overflowing grace in an overflowing schedule. There’s so much more than grades or numbers of approval.
There’s a lot of myself left in me that I don’t love. But with every crack of brokenness that has shattered me this year a little more of my God has flooded in, and a joy has filled me like never before.
2016 pulled back the curtains and let the light shine in.
It’s the taste of freedom and purpose I have experienced.
That’s what this year brought me, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
There were days I was so happy with my little world and days I hated it with all of my heart. My faith faltered. I questioned and doubted. I came back to Him. I ran again. And I always found His arms open and waiting for me.
I used to despise the uncomfortable, but you taught me that the uncomfortable days make a way for joy. And now I know, I am right where I am supposed to be.
Thank you for teaching me how to feel, how to live, and how to know a joy so deep and wide nothing can compare. I love this life.
I’m forever in love with you Jesus. Keep me in awe, not just of your goodness this year, but how you sustain my every breath.